Striped Beauty

Laura's Post:

Sophia: (wailing sadly) I don't want to be different!
Me: Different how?
Sophia: I want to have stripes like Tigey!
Me: Why?
Sophia: Because she's BEAUTIFUL!...

Moose for Dessert

Me: Here's your mousse dessert.
Sophia: Mousse? Like the animal?
Me: No, it's a different kind of mousse. It's not the animal moose; it's a mousse dessert.
Sophia: (suspiciously) Hmmm, I have never heard this word before....

(That's because you're only three years old, kiddo.)

Thanatopsis: My Child's Fear of Dying

Early this morning Sophia wakes up yelling because of a bad dream. I jump up from bed to rescue her. Through plaintive sobs she tells me, "I don't want to die! I don't want to die! I don't want to die!..." I quickly take her up into my arms and whisper, "No, honey, you're not going to die. You're okay. I have you. I have you now...."

Without prompting she recounts her dream with a choked deliberation that breaks my heart. I've never seen her like this before. I flashback to my own feelings of stark terror when I first truly understood the impermanence of my life and of those I love....No, she's too young to have to suffer this kind of anxiety. I'm her daddy, and I want to salve her pangs of fear right now, but how?

Distraction, misdirection, displacement...That's how we adults do it.

"Do you want to go potty, honey? Do you have to go? Ok, let's go to the potty..."

On the way to the bathroom, I continue to search inwardly for the best approach to this delicate subject of death at her age at this inconvenient time of the morning...What should I say next?

My incompetence saves me. I have put her pajamas back on the wrong way.

Her loud disapproval is immediate.

"Oh, sorry, honey," I say as I fumble with the light switch so we can see our business better. The intensity of the bathroom light hurts our eyes, but I whisper a thank you to God for this welcome disruption.

Sophia's annoyance with me takes a sudden extra turn: "Why do you stand up to peepee and girls have to sit down! Why, Daddy? Why do I have to sit down and boys have to stand up? Can I stand up too?..."

First death, now this? I'm not ready...

I mutter something about girls having vaginas and boys having penises, but she doesn't have a clue. I stutter again through a half-witted technical explanation of how body parts work, but her bemused expression remains, and I'm embarrassed at being caught off guard by her. Male and female differences aren't supposed to be a thing I have to articulate to my three year old while blinded and in a semi-conscious state....

My wife, my angel of light, my morning glory, suddenly appears in the doorway to rescue me from my ineptitude.

She whispers to me, "What's going on?"
I mutter something about vaginas and penises.
"What?" she says. "What are you talking about?"
"I don't know. Please, can you take over?"

She quickly turns her attention to Sophia while I shuffle back to my hole to lie down in the darkness and rest in peace once more....

A Prayer for the Dark Side

Laura's Post:

Me: Who shall we pray for?
Sophia: Darth Vader.
Me: Okay. Why?
Sophia: He is always fighting!

The Bridge Where the Troll Lives

Laura's Post:

Tricycling around the Civic Center tonight:

Sophia: That's the bridge where the troll lives. We need to kill him.
Me: (taken aback) I thought you were going to get him some pizza.
Sophia: (relenting) We can give him some pizza...Then we'll kill him. We don't want a troll running around and hurting us.

(Ethics class didn't prepare me for this one.)

The Life of a Butterfly

Bita: (on Facetime) Hello, Sophia!
S: I'm not Sophia. I'm a butterfly.
Bita: Hello, butterfly! What's your name?
S: My name is just butterfly.
Bita: What did you do today, butterfly? Did you go to church?
S: I went to nursery and I played with the children. I mean I was a butterfly in the nursery and I was playing with all the other little butterflies....

Going On A Trip, In My Favorite Rocket Ship!

Sophia: What are you watching?
Me: It's about stars.
Sophia: Is it scary?
Me: No, I don't think so.
Sophia: I'm going to sit here and be a rocket and count to three. And when I count to three, my rocket is going to blast off and go into the sky so I can catch a star! I'm going to catch a star!...

A Clean Fresh Smell

After her bath tonight:

Me: You smell so clean now!
Sophia: Yes! I smell like a butterfly, or I smell like a horse.
Me: A clean horse, I hope.
Sophia: Yes, a clean horse.

Catch the Fever!

Sophia: Why are you in bed?
Me: I'm not feeling well.
Sophia: Are you sick?
Me: Yes, I'm feeling sick.
Sophia: I told you not to catch my fever! I told you, "Don't catch my fever! Don't catch my fever!" You didn't listen and now you catched my fever!...

(That'll teach me not to catch the fever...)

Love, Peace, and Quiet

Laura's Post:
Me: Sophia, do you know how much I love you?
Sophia: (sitting in my armchair with a stony glare) I need some peace and quiet right now.

(Ouch. Tough day at school, I guess.)

The How-You-Doin' Chorus

Sophia: Daddy, can we sing worship songs in bed again?

Me: Of course. What would you like to sing?

Sophia: "How are you, how are you?"

Me: Uhh...do you mean, "Hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, hallelujah! Praise ye the Lord"?

Sophia: Yes!

So now we've added a new verse to this kid's song classic:

How are you? How are you? How are you? How you doin'?!

I'm Doin' Fine!!!

The Puppy Dog Principal

Since she was a baby, Sophia has been fond of our high school principal, Mr. Clymer:
Me: Mr. Clymer is really nice to you, isn't he?
Sophia: Yes, Mr. Clymer is nice to me like a doggy.
Me: Ha! Mr. Clymer is nice like a doggy?
Sophia: Yes, he's like a puppy doggy.
Me: You probably shouldn't pet him like a doggy.
Sophia: Yes, I should pet him like a puppy doggy because I pet puppy doggies.
Me: Ok, but you probably shouldn't pet Mr. Clymer on the head.
Sophia: Yes, I'll pet him on the head.
Me: Let me know how that goes...

Phantom Attack!

Early in the morning Sophia screams out that she had gone potty in her bed: "Get it out! Get it out!..."

Thank God that she was just suffering a nightmare and I'm spared a horrible mess to clean up. 

Nonetheless, I am now wide awake, and she is demanding that I remove the alleged poo poo from her sheets.

I sweep my arm across the mattress to whisk the phantom menace back to oblivion.

She is satisfied.

After a proper potty break, she asks me to double check the bed. Another broad sweep of my arm takes care of her remaining concerns.

Back to sleep,
Back to sleep, sleep, sleep,
And dream of clean sheets,
My sweet...

Toy Story

So now Sophia wants to move to a new house. 
Why? She says she wants to have new toys....

A Fairy Tale Prayer

Laura's Post:

Me: Sophia, who shall we pray for tonight?
Sophia: For the gingerbread boy who got eaten by the fox.
Me: Um...Okay.
Sophia: And the three little pigs and the billy goats gruff...

(There is so much suffering in Story Land!)

The Play's the Thing!

Sophia is playing with her food during dinner:

Laura: Sophia, don't do that.
S: I'm not.
Laura: Sophia, don't do that!
S: I'm not!
Laura: Sophia, stop playing games.
S: I'm not playing! It's my fingers that are playing!...

Oooh, she can be a stinker! 

As Hamlet said to the Gravedigger:
"How absolute the knave is! we must speak by the
card, or equivocation will undo us...." [5.1.126-127]

A Public Apology

Laura's Post:

Sorry to everyone who lives within a 5 mile radius of Fair Street. 
Yes, it was Sophia screaming and yelling at the top of her lungs, flailing, and convulsing all down the street tonight.

She made up for it at dinner with serenading us. 

I think, on balance, we will keep her : )

Future Reminiscings

"...I'll have to tell Tigey so we can laugh about it when we grow up..."

Bear Trouble

Me: I think a cranky bear woke up this morning.
Laura: Yes, I think there's a bear eating breakfast with us.
Sophia: Are you talking about me?

(Shhh! Don't look the bear in the eyes...)

Tigey the Preschool Bully

Laura's Post:

Sophia was distraught in the car tonight because Tigey has been telling her that she has to start Kindergarten:

S: But I don't WANT to go to Kindergarten!

Me: You don't have to. You're not old enough.
S: But he keeps telling me I have to! I don't like it!

(Hmmm. Maybe a trip to Goodwill will scare Tigey straight.)

A Sneezy Labor Day

Laura's Post:

Sophia snuffling with a cold pathetically rises from her pillow this morning: 

S: I'm too sick to go to school today.
Me: Well, you're in luck!...

She's new to this game. Gotta pick a school day. Happy congested and sneezy Labor Day everyone!