Phonophobia: A True Short Story about Scary Noises, Fears, and a Tornado in Kansas

My daughter wakes me from my nap with screaming from her bedroom: 

"Scary! Scary!" 
I rush in. "What's wrong!" 
"I hear noises!" she says. 
I ask, "What noises?" 

She makes deep, heaving, guttural sounds to imitate the noise she heard. 

I lie down next to her and quietly shush her, then listen intently for what I suspect to be the usual plumbing noises from our three-story condo building, or maybe traffic or animal sounds from outside her window. 

I hear many sounds, but it's not until she repeats her asthmatic, Darth Vader-like tones that I realize that she is imitating me snoring. I am the one who was making the scary breathing noises. 

"You were making the noises, Daddy?" 
"Yes, I was snoring." 
"Haha, you're silly, Daddy. Please don't make those noises again." 
"Ok, honey. I won't. Sweet dreams." 

So now I'm wondering if Uncle Henry is to blame for Dorothy's phobia of lions, tigers, and bears. Poor Dorothy, night after night, cowering under her blankets fretting about scary, beastly breathing noises echoing through the walls, while Uncle Henry is obliviously snoring up a storm. 

Oh my.

A traumatic moment in my child's life....

S: I was playing pretend house in my room with my pretend friends, but now I can't find them. I looked for my pretend friends, and I don't see them anywhere. Have you seen them?
Me: I don't think so. How many are there?
S: I don't know. They're pretend.
(Anyone have a pretend phone number for a pretend therapist?)

Toilet Humor

Sophia: Daddy, I went poo-poo!
Me: (turning on the bathroom light) In the dark?
Sophia: No, in the toilet.
(Why do I always feel like I'm in a vaudeville comedy act?)

Flower Girl Dresses

Laura's Post:

It's reassuring to me that Sophia has to be bribed with chocolate and drugged with television in order to put on a dress. It was on a total of 10 minutes and caused a significant amount of screaming. Shame naked flower girls are not in fashion. She does look so cute, though.

(Sophia, trying on a flower girl dress for a summer wedding. Maybe we should get a purple potty to match. : )

Daddy's Kisses vs. Brown Paint

Me: Does Daddy love you very much?
Sophia: Yes.
Me: Do you like Daddy's kisses?
Sophia: I like blue and yellow and orange mixed together to make brown.
(So how am I supposed to compete with brown paint?)

The Socratic Method

The never-ending "Why" stage has 
Sophia: Why?...Why?...Why?...Why?....
Me: We should have named you Socrates.
Sophia: Why?
Me: Exactly...

I'm Done

Sophia: I’m done, Daddy.
Me: But you didn’t finish your potatoes, honey.
Sophia: But I ate already yesterday...

Chepup!

Sophia: Can I have chepup?
Me: Do you mean ketchup?
Sophia: I can’t say ketchup.
Me: But you just said it, honey.
Sophia: Oh...ketchup, ketchup...huh, I said it...

The Scary Closet!

S: (yelling madly at bedtime) Scary! Scary! Scary!
Me: (walking into her bedroom) Why are you so noisy?
S: Daddy, open the closet! It’s scary! Open the closet!
Me: OK, honey, but there’s nothing in there.
S: Yes there is. Mama’s clothes are in there….
Laura: Well, she has a point. Some of my clothes in that closet are old enough to be very scary ; )

I'm Pooped!

Me: Boy, am I pooped.
Sophia: (with concern) Did you have an accident? Did you poop in your pants? (She looks my pants over for signs. Laura loses it giggling.)
Me: No, honey. "I'm pooped" means...Oh, never mind.
(So that's another idiom I won't be using....)

My Diet Coach

My toddler points at my belly and scolds, "There's too much food in there!" Message received.

The Mystery of the Disappearing Chocolate Milk

At the coffee shop:
Me: Where's your cup of chocolate milk?
Sophia: I'm saving it for later.
Me: But where is it? I don't see it anywhere.
Sophia: I'm saving it for later.
Me: Please tell me you didn't put it in your purse....
(Guilty silence....Yep, she did.)

That'sa Pizza Love

Sophia: I'm having a good time with you, Daddy.
Me: I'm having a good time with you, too, sweetheart.

(Note to self: Definitely coming back to That'sa Pizza for another daddy-daughter date : )

Daddy's Home!!!

This video compilation brings back great memories of my dad coming home to play hide and seek, catching us and tickling us. It was the highlight of each day. And now I get to do it every day with my little one. Love, love, love it! Children React With Excitement To Their Fathers Coming Home.

Disney Tails

Thanks to Disney, Sophia's been wondering if it's possible to morph into animals:

S: Do you have a tail, Daddy?
Me: No, honey.
S: Can I see?
Me: I don't think so.
S: (looking at my rear) I don't see a tail. Do I have a tail?
Me: Do you see one?
S: (trying to see her own behind) Ha, no tail. That's silly....

Big Love!

Me: Do you know how much I love your mama?
Sophia: Yes, this big. (Hands an inch apart)
Me: No, bigger.
Sophia: This big? (Hands wider apart)
Me: No, bigger!
Sophia: This big? (Arms wide open)
Me: Yes, that big!
Sophia: (with a dreamy gaze) I like big potatoes.

The Cheesecake Method

"If you don't come right now, I will go home and eat your cheesecake!" I said after church desperately, tiredly, hungrily, ashamedly, but, most important, successfully.

The Downside of Positive Reinforcement

There's a downside to clapping too enthusiastically when potty training:
Sophia: (at bedtime) I need to go potty.
Laura: It's the third time!
Sophia: I want to poo poo to make you happy....

All By Myself!

Sophia: I put my clothes on all by myself. All by myself. All by MY SELF!
Me: Wow, you’re such a big girl now!
Sophia: Mama helped me.

Tech Therapy

Sophia: What are you doing, Daddy?
Me: I’m fixing my computer.
Sophia: Why?
Me: It’s not working.
Sophia: Do you want to talk about it?
Me: No, I do not want to talk about it.
Sophia: I like you just the way you are. (Then she walks off singing, “I like you just the way you are,” from Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood....)

(She’s a great therapist, but her hourly rate is through the roof ; )

Welcome to Candyland

The world according to a two year old:
Sophia: What is that?
Me: That’s a fan.
Sophia: It’s a circle.
Me: Yes, it’s a circle.
Sophia: I like circles! Circles are like candy. The dentist gave me candy. I like candy. The dentist gave me a sucker. I like to eat suckers….