No Shirt, No Service

My wake up call this morning:

Laura: Give Daddy a hug.
Sophia: No, because he's naked.
Laura: He just has his shirt off.
Sophia: No, I don't hug naked men.

(A lady's got to draw the line somewhere... ; )

Womanly Pursuits

Laura's Post:

Me: Sophia, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Sophia: A woman!

Postscript (12/27/14): I asked her again today and her answer was "married." That is going to cost a little more and involve slightly more drama I suspect....

Jazz Hands

In the bathroom:
"I want to wash my hands and all that jazz."
(Sophia's been listening to random Broadway tunes on Pandora...)

Lady Justice

While helping Sophia remove her jacket:
Sophia: Ow! You hurt me!
Me: I did?
Sophia: You hurt me, Daddy!
Me: What happened? Did I scratch you? I didn't feel anything!
Sophia: (pointing at me) You did it! I'm hurting because of you!
Me: I'm sorry, honey. It was an accident.
Sophia: Oh.
Me: Do you forgive me?
Sophia: Yes.
(And just like that, she walked away sunny and sweet again. Never mind that I was left standing dumbstruck by her swift and fierce outburst....)

Oh What Fun It Is To Fall

On her third time down the hill by herself, Sophia falls off her brand new saucer sled, and she's not happy about it:
Sophia: (crying loudly) I fell off the sled!
Me: Are you ok?
Sophia: I fell off the sled! Why did you make me go fast!
Me: I'm sorry, honey. I didn't think you were going fast.
Sophia: You made me go too fast, and I fell off!
Me: Everybody falls off their sleds, honey.
Sophia: Why!
Me: It's normal to fall off. Everybody falls off sometimes. I fall off, too.
Sophia: I don't want to fall off!
Me: It's ok to fall off. You just have to get back on again. That's how you get better at sledding.
Sophia: What!
Me: If you learn to fall off your sled and not get hurt, you'll be a better sledder!
Sophia: I DON'T WANT TO BE A BETTER SLEDDER!!!....
(So much for the positive spin on falling down....)

Santa Claws

Sophia: Why is his name Santa Claus?
Me: That's just his name, honey.
Sophia: But his name sounds like he has claws.
Me: Ha! Maybe he does have long, sharp claws like a cat.
Sophia: No, he's just pretend. He doesn't have claws.
Me: But it's fun to pretend, isn't it?
Sophia: Yes, maybe he does have claws...
(I'll have myself to blame if she wakes up in a cold sweat tonight...)

A Very Big Number!

Me: So how old are you?
Sophia: Three.
Me: Yes, you are. How old am I?
Sophia: I don't know.
Me: I'm forty-two.
Sophia: Noooooo!
Me: Yes, I'm forty-two years old.
Sophia: Nooo.
Me: Why not?
Sophia: Because that's a really big number. Mommy has a big number, but you have a bigger number!
Me: You're right. You're just one, two, three years old, and I'm....(I proceed to count really fast to forty-two)...years old!
Sophia: Hahaha! Do that again!...
(It's cute that she gets pleasure from my big number more than I do ; )

"The Answer to the Great Question... Of Life, the Universe and Everything... Is... Forty-two, said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm."
—Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Sleep In Heavenly Peace

Putting Sophia to bed last night was a horrible low point of frustration for me. Laura was working an evening shift at Espresso Bay, and Sophia was working the late shift here at home....I don't even want to talk about it.

Well, today Laura and I conspired about a bedtime plan of action for our daughter, then we both independently talked with Sophia about last night's bad behavior and how tonight would be very different:

No fussing and fighting, no in and out of bed, no throwing toys, no traumatizing Daddy...You get the picture.

Here is how our team effort went tonight:

• Step One: Laura gets her ready for bed – cleaned, dressed, books read, a late but healthy snack, thirst quenched, potty time, ...
• Step Two: Laura passes the baton to me. 
• I snuggle next to Sophia to help settle her for the night. She kicks off her sheets and bounces her head on the pillow like a jackhammer. I explain that I'll cuddle with her but only if she's restful. 
• She settles a bit, and I start to doze off....
• She pokes me in the eye until I say stop. She complains that I'm breathing too hard. I apologize. She sits up to drink a cup of water, some of which ends up on herself and the bed. 
• After clean up, I doze off again....
• I wake up to her giving me Eskimo kisses while squeezing my cheeks together. She thinks this is hilarious. We both get in trouble with Laura because giggling is not part of the bedtime plan...but I wasn't the one giggling, for the record.
• Sophia finally quiets down enough for me to excuse myself from her room. 
• Step Three: I concoct an unauthorized but brilliant plan to ensure that she remains in bed without calling out to us anymore this evening.
• Me: If you stay in bed tonight, I have chocolate to share with you tomorrow. Would you like to have one or two chocolate balls?
• Sophia: Three.
• Me: No, just one or two?
• Sophia: Three.
• Me: Or maybe you'll just get zero.
• Sophia: Ok, I want zero.
• Me: Zero? You want zero chocolate balls tomorrow?
• Sophia: Yes. What does zero mean?
• Me: Zero means nothing; you get no chocolate.
• Sophia: I want five.
• Me: I'm only negotiating one or two chocolate balls.
• Sophia: Two.
• Me: Ok, so you get two pieces of chocolate tomorrow, but if you get out of bed or scream out for Mommy and Daddy, then you'll only get one chocolate. Ok?
• Sophia: Ok....Are the chocolates naughty treats or are they healthy food to make me stronger?
• Me: They're naughty treats, definitely naughty treats....

I leave her room satisfied that my rogue parenting plan is foolproof. I smugly enter the living room where Laura is quietly working at her laptop. She doesn't look up, but I don't need her to. I just need peace and quiet without my daughter's incessant and too often infuriating interruptions...

Five minutes later, Sophia walks back into the living room:

• Me: Why are you up?
• Sophia: I want zero chocolates tomorrow because naughty treats make me grumpy, ok?
• Me: Ok, let's go back to bed. No chocolates tomorrow...
• Laura: So you bribed her with chocolates?...
• Me: (sigh)
• Sophia: No chocolates because they make me grumpy, ok?...

Ok, ok, the chocolate bribery backfired because of my wife's rigorous health food indoctrination of our child, but I'm happy to report that peace reigns in our home tonight.

May peace forever reign!

Boarding School

Laura's Post:

So I tidied Sophia's room today, organized her toys, vacuumed, and made her bed while she was at school. 

Her response: "Waaaaaaaah! I don't like my bed flat!" She ruffled up her blankets and seemed very pleased with herself...

She wouldn't last long in boarding school.

A Cost/Benefit Analysis of Sunday School

Sophia attended nursery again today even though preschoolers get to join the older kids:

Laura: How come you didn't want to go to Kids Church?

Sophia: Because they don't have snacks.

Me: That explains it.

Sophia: I like Goldfish crackers.

(Wait! Nursery gets Goldfish crackers?! Sign me up...)

Hiding Out in Eden

After a late snack of sliced apples, she pushes her plate away:
Sophia: I'm done.
Me: Ok, it's time for your bath....
Sophia: I'll hide....
(Sigh... She's been obsessed with playing hide-and-seek ever since we read about Adam and Eve hiding from God in the garden this week....)

Parental Servitude

Tucking Sophia in at night:
Me: Why do you keep kicking your blankets off?
Sophia: Because I want you to do it right.
(Do I look like Cinderella?!)

Full Moon Syndrome

Laura's Post:

Hot shower interrupted by screaming this morning.
Dripping in a towel and heart racing, I investigate. 

"Are you bleeding? Did you crack your head open?"
"No. Sob...splutter...sob...blubber...My honey dripped off my toast and onto my plate!..."

Primal scream. Cue 10 minutes of convulsing on the bathroom floor.
(Sophia. Not me.)

Back to the shower where I shampooed, rinsed, and repeated. 
Very slowly. Sheesh.

It was a tough morning at preschool, too. Was there a full moon? (Yes, there was a full moon last night!)

So, this evening's encore performance: 
"YOU GAVE ME THE WRONG CHOCOLATE CHIP!!!"

Hallmark's Poster Child

Last night Sophia asked to sleep with a Christmas card that we had received from Laura's cousin Maureen. Sophia also wanted Laura to go to sleep with the Anderson Family Christmas card. 

This morning Sophia came into our bedroom and discovered the Anderson card on the floor. She couldn't understand why it wasn't snuggled in bed between Laura and me:

Sophia: Why didn't you sleep with your card last night?
Laura: Because there wasn't enough room.
Sophia: Oh.
Laura: People don't usually sleep with their greetings cards.
Sophia: Oh....
Laura: Why do you like to sleep with your cards?
Sophia: Because I love them!...

(Now that, my friends, is Christmas spirit, to the letter! : )

The Dark Knight

Sophia: If I was Snow White, I would hit the wicked stepmother and take her to jail.
Me: But it's not good to hit people, honey.
Sophia: Why?
Me: Because you could hurt them and that's not nice.
Sophia: If I was a bad guy, I would kill the wicked stepmother!
Me: But you're not a bad guy; you're a nice girl.
Sophia: But in my dreams I can be a bad guy....
(Oh boy, we've got a vigilante in the making....)

Hangry

Me: Let's get something to eat.
Sophia: Because I'm cranky.
Me: Yes.