3 Going on 13

Laura's Post:

It's official, we have a wannabe teenager in the house:

"You don't let me do ANYTHING!"
"Stop telling me what to do!"
"You are so MEAN! Why are you SO mean?"

(We wouldn't let her hold the ice cream, only lick it... Apologies today for the excessive screaming to anyone enjoying a peaceful afternoon at Clinch Park beach, marina, or splash pad...)

Literally

This rainy morning I ask Sophia to watch our bag so no one trips over it while I get the car.

When I return a minute later, she is sitting up close, nose to canvas, diligently watching our bag.

Thank you for being so literal, honey!

Now if you could be just as literal the times I say eat your meal, please don't yell, go back to bed... : )

Putting Joseph in Jail!

Laura's Post:

Sophia has been playing "Mommies and Daddies" at her preschool for a while now.

Today I arrived as she was explaining to her teacher: 
"He is Joseph, he is Potiphar, and I am Potiphar's wife! We are going to put Joseph in jail."

Thankfully, her teacher is not very well acquainted with the finer details of this particular Bible story...

What Do You Say?

She accidentally knocks over a bouquet of sunflowers on the dining table spilling water everywhere:

Me: Oooh, what do you say?
Sophia: Thank you.

Some Like It Hot!

She observes me reaching for hot sauce to put on my brat:

Sophia: Do you like spicy?
Me: Yes, I like spicy.
Sophia: Do you like spicy because you're a man?
Me: Well, no...
Sophia: Yes! Yes, you're a man! You are a man!
Me: Yes, I know I'm a man, but some men don't like spicy, and women can like spicy, too, honey.
Sophia: Oh.

(Although, I have to admit, I do feel manlier with hot sauce ; )

Dental Hyjinks

Picking back up on our conversation from the other night about dental hygiene:

Sophia: When my teeth fall out, I'll be a woman!
Me: No, honey. Not yet.
Sophia: When will my teeth fall out?
Me: Well, your baby teeth will fall out when you're about six years old, then you'll grow your adult teeth.
Sophia: Oh. When will I be a woman?
Me: You'll be a young woman when you're thirteen years old.
Sophia: Oh, ok!

(She's already a little lady : )

What do ladybugs do?

Laura's Post:

One pair of little arms shook me awake this morning quite violently. Sophia climbed on top of me, put her face right up to mine and demanded with great urgency in a voice that was much louder than necessary: "What do ladybugs do?"

Laura: They eat aphids and poop.
Sophia: Do they poop in the toilet?
Laura: No. They poop on the grass.
Sophia: OK.

Then she climbed down and walked away.

A Wedding Announcement

At a wedding reception, I quietly lean over and whisper to my wife that I am going to use the restroom and I'll be right back:

Me: (whispering) Sophia, do you want to come with me?
Sophia: Yes.

As we walk past the head table, Sophia loudly broadcasts to the wedding party: 
"My daddy has to go to the bathroom!...My daddy has to go to the bathroom!"....

Roadrunners

Sophia does the potty dance:

Laura: Do you need to go potty?! Poo-poo or peep-peep?!...

Me: Peep peep? Are you the roadrunner?

Laura: Ha! Peep-peep. I'm so tired I don't know what I'm saying!....

Sophia: Peep-peep!...

Sabbath Day with Sophia

Laura's Post:

"And on the seventh day God became frustrated and dissatisfied with his work which he had made; and he refused to rest on the seventh day from all his infuriating and disappointing work which he had made.

And God blessed the seventh day with screaming and shouting, and sanctified it with flailing, crying, headbanging and scratching: because that in it he had refused to rest from all his work which God created and made.

Mercifully there was evening, and there was Monday morning—a preschool day!"

(Lately, Sophia has taken to keeping this kind of Sabbath with strict devotion. Oy vey.)

My Life Coach

I lift a heavy jug of olive oil to set it down on the counter behind a pot of cherries and a cup of diet orange soda. But the very thing I intend not to do happens: 

I drop the jug, the pot clatters violently off the counter spilling cherries and cherry juice all over the kitchen floor, and my orange drink completely empties onto the counter and stove. 

"Noooo!" 

I stand still, take deep breaths, close my eyes, then chuckle quietly to myself. Murphy's law has struck again!

Sophia: It's ok, Daddy.
Me: I know.
Sophia: You can clean it up. It's ok.
Me: Yeah, I'll clean it up.
Sophia: You're always spilling things every day, but you'll learn. You're growing.
Me: I'm growing?
Sophia: Yes, you're growing and learning every day. I'll teach you....

(It's good to know my three year old has my back when I'm at my most vulnerable : )

I Want a Razor!

Laura's Post:

Sophia just had a meltdown in the bathroom because I refused to buy her a razor for shaving her face. Cannot convince her they don't make razors for kids (please tell me they don't) and that she doesn't have facial stubble. 

It's sweet that she wants to be just like Daddy....but it feels like we have a cranky teenager in the house this week!

Block Party 2014

That's an owl balloon hat on her head

A Cup of Frog Coffee

I crave a cup of coffee to make my headache go away. 

I desperately claw my way into the kitchen to locate my special house blend that I had personally ground for such a moment as this. With trembling hands I remove the lid and then lean in close to better behold the coffee's dark, glorious contours and indulge in its sacred aroma that I imagine the whole history of the universe has conspired tooth and nail to bring into existence at this precise moment: 

"Aaaaah, that smells goooood!" 

I tenderly scoop up a measured tablespoon of this magic happy dust and pour it into the filter, then I pour another, then...


Me: Who put a frog in my coffee?!
Laura: What?
Me: There's a frog in my coffee!
Laura: There's a frog in your coffee? What frog?
Me: Look! There's a rubber frog buried in my coffee!
Laura: Oh, that's Sophia's frog. Sophia, how did your frog get into Daddy's coffee?
Sophia: I don't know....
 

Let's Eat Sophia!

Laura: We're going home to eat, Sophia.
Me: Oooh, we get to eat Sophia? I hope she tastes good.
Laura: Yes, I hope Sophia tastes good, too.
Sophia: (from the back seat) No, I Do Not Taste Good!!!!

(Moral: Never accept a dinner invitation from someone who omits the comma before your name.)

Lectio Divina: a morning meditation

Sophia: We have to be quiet because Mama's sleeping. Shh, be quiet, quietly.

Me: Ok, I'll be quiet.

Sophia: (picking up her pocket Gideon Bible from off the couch) I'm going to look for "quietly" in my Bible. 

She holds it open and upside down, with a finger underlining the text, she begins chanting softly: "Quietly, quietly, quietly, quietly, quietly, quietly...."

Me: (whispering) Ok, I got it, Sophia.

Sophia: When it's quiet, humans have to yawn because they're human and it's quiet....

(Somehow I don't think she'd make a very quiet Trappist nun anytime soon...)