No Shirt, No Service

My wake up call this morning:

Laura: Give Daddy a hug.
Sophia: No, because he's naked.
Laura: He just has his shirt off.
Sophia: No, I don't hug naked men.

(A lady's got to draw the line somewhere... ; )

Womanly Pursuits

Laura's Post:

Me: Sophia, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Sophia: A woman!

Postscript (12/27/14): I asked her again today and her answer was "married." That is going to cost a little more and involve slightly more drama I suspect....

Jazz Hands

In the bathroom:
"I want to wash my hands and all that jazz."
(Sophia's been listening to random Broadway tunes on Pandora...)

Lady Justice

While helping Sophia remove her jacket:
Sophia: Ow! You hurt me!
Me: I did?
Sophia: You hurt me, Daddy!
Me: What happened? Did I scratch you? I didn't feel anything!
Sophia: (pointing at me) You did it! I'm hurting because of you!
Me: I'm sorry, honey. It was an accident.
Sophia: Oh.
Me: Do you forgive me?
Sophia: Yes.
(And just like that, she walked away sunny and sweet again. Never mind that I was left standing dumbstruck by her swift and fierce outburst....)

Oh What Fun It Is To Fall

On her third time down the hill by herself, Sophia falls off her brand new saucer sled, and she's not happy about it:
Sophia: (crying loudly) I fell off the sled!
Me: Are you ok?
Sophia: I fell off the sled! Why did you make me go fast!
Me: I'm sorry, honey. I didn't think you were going fast.
Sophia: You made me go too fast, and I fell off!
Me: Everybody falls off their sleds, honey.
Sophia: Why!
Me: It's normal to fall off. Everybody falls off sometimes. I fall off, too.
Sophia: I don't want to fall off!
Me: It's ok to fall off. You just have to get back on again. That's how you get better at sledding.
Sophia: What!
Me: If you learn to fall off your sled and not get hurt, you'll be a better sledder!
Sophia: I DON'T WANT TO BE A BETTER SLEDDER!!!....
(So much for the positive spin on falling down....)

Santa Claws

Sophia: Why is his name Santa Claus?
Me: That's just his name, honey.
Sophia: But his name sounds like he has claws.
Me: Ha! Maybe he does have long, sharp claws like a cat.
Sophia: No, he's just pretend. He doesn't have claws.
Me: But it's fun to pretend, isn't it?
Sophia: Yes, maybe he does have claws...
(I'll have myself to blame if she wakes up in a cold sweat tonight...)

A Very Big Number!

Me: So how old are you?
Sophia: Three.
Me: Yes, you are. How old am I?
Sophia: I don't know.
Me: I'm forty-two.
Sophia: Noooooo!
Me: Yes, I'm forty-two years old.
Sophia: Nooo.
Me: Why not?
Sophia: Because that's a really big number. Mommy has a big number, but you have a bigger number!
Me: You're right. You're just one, two, three years old, and I'm....(I proceed to count really fast to forty-two)...years old!
Sophia: Hahaha! Do that again!...
(It's cute that she gets pleasure from my big number more than I do ; )

"The Answer to the Great Question... Of Life, the Universe and Everything... Is... Forty-two, said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm."
—Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Sleep In Heavenly Peace

Putting Sophia to bed last night was a horrible low point of frustration for me. Laura was working an evening shift at Espresso Bay, and Sophia was working the late shift here at home....I don't even want to talk about it.

Well, today Laura and I conspired about a bedtime plan of action for our daughter, then we both independently talked with Sophia about last night's bad behavior and how tonight would be very different:

No fussing and fighting, no in and out of bed, no throwing toys, no traumatizing Daddy...You get the picture.

Here is how our team effort went tonight:

• Step One: Laura gets her ready for bed – cleaned, dressed, books read, a late but healthy snack, thirst quenched, potty time, ...
• Step Two: Laura passes the baton to me. 
• I snuggle next to Sophia to help settle her for the night. She kicks off her sheets and bounces her head on the pillow like a jackhammer. I explain that I'll cuddle with her but only if she's restful. 
• She settles a bit, and I start to doze off....
• She pokes me in the eye until I say stop. She complains that I'm breathing too hard. I apologize. She sits up to drink a cup of water, some of which ends up on herself and the bed. 
• After clean up, I doze off again....
• I wake up to her giving me Eskimo kisses while squeezing my cheeks together. She thinks this is hilarious. We both get in trouble with Laura because giggling is not part of the bedtime plan...but I wasn't the one giggling, for the record.
• Sophia finally quiets down enough for me to excuse myself from her room. 
• Step Three: I concoct an unauthorized but brilliant plan to ensure that she remains in bed without calling out to us anymore this evening.
• Me: If you stay in bed tonight, I have chocolate to share with you tomorrow. Would you like to have one or two chocolate balls?
• Sophia: Three.
• Me: No, just one or two?
• Sophia: Three.
• Me: Or maybe you'll just get zero.
• Sophia: Ok, I want zero.
• Me: Zero? You want zero chocolate balls tomorrow?
• Sophia: Yes. What does zero mean?
• Me: Zero means nothing; you get no chocolate.
• Sophia: I want five.
• Me: I'm only negotiating one or two chocolate balls.
• Sophia: Two.
• Me: Ok, so you get two pieces of chocolate tomorrow, but if you get out of bed or scream out for Mommy and Daddy, then you'll only get one chocolate. Ok?
• Sophia: Ok....Are the chocolates naughty treats or are they healthy food to make me stronger?
• Me: They're naughty treats, definitely naughty treats....

I leave her room satisfied that my rogue parenting plan is foolproof. I smugly enter the living room where Laura is quietly working at her laptop. She doesn't look up, but I don't need her to. I just need peace and quiet without my daughter's incessant and too often infuriating interruptions...

Five minutes later, Sophia walks back into the living room:

• Me: Why are you up?
• Sophia: I want zero chocolates tomorrow because naughty treats make me grumpy, ok?
• Me: Ok, let's go back to bed. No chocolates tomorrow...
• Laura: So you bribed her with chocolates?...
• Me: (sigh)
• Sophia: No chocolates because they make me grumpy, ok?...

Ok, ok, the chocolate bribery backfired because of my wife's rigorous health food indoctrination of our child, but I'm happy to report that peace reigns in our home tonight.

May peace forever reign!

Boarding School

Laura's Post:

So I tidied Sophia's room today, organized her toys, vacuumed, and made her bed while she was at school. 

Her response: "Waaaaaaaah! I don't like my bed flat!" She ruffled up her blankets and seemed very pleased with herself...

She wouldn't last long in boarding school.

A Cost/Benefit Analysis of Sunday School

Sophia attended nursery again today even though preschoolers get to join the older kids:

Laura: How come you didn't want to go to Kids Church?

Sophia: Because they don't have snacks.

Me: That explains it.

Sophia: I like Goldfish crackers.

(Wait! Nursery gets Goldfish crackers?! Sign me up...)

Hiding Out in Eden

After a late snack of sliced apples, she pushes her plate away:
Sophia: I'm done.
Me: Ok, it's time for your bath....
Sophia: I'll hide....
(Sigh... She's been obsessed with playing hide-and-seek ever since we read about Adam and Eve hiding from God in the garden this week....)

Parental Servitude

Tucking Sophia in at night:
Me: Why do you keep kicking your blankets off?
Sophia: Because I want you to do it right.
(Do I look like Cinderella?!)

Full Moon Syndrome

Laura's Post:

Hot shower interrupted by screaming this morning.
Dripping in a towel and heart racing, I investigate. 

"Are you bleeding? Did you crack your head open?"
"No. Sob...splutter...sob...blubber...My honey dripped off my toast and onto my plate!..."

Primal scream. Cue 10 minutes of convulsing on the bathroom floor.
(Sophia. Not me.)

Back to the shower where I shampooed, rinsed, and repeated. 
Very slowly. Sheesh.

It was a tough morning at preschool, too. Was there a full moon? (Yes, there was a full moon last night!)

So, this evening's encore performance: 
"YOU GAVE ME THE WRONG CHOCOLATE CHIP!!!"

Hallmark's Poster Child

Last night Sophia asked to sleep with a Christmas card that we had received from Laura's cousin Maureen. Sophia also wanted Laura to go to sleep with the Anderson Family Christmas card. 

This morning Sophia came into our bedroom and discovered the Anderson card on the floor. She couldn't understand why it wasn't snuggled in bed between Laura and me:

Sophia: Why didn't you sleep with your card last night?
Laura: Because there wasn't enough room.
Sophia: Oh.
Laura: People don't usually sleep with their greetings cards.
Sophia: Oh....
Laura: Why do you like to sleep with your cards?
Sophia: Because I love them!...

(Now that, my friends, is Christmas spirit, to the letter! : )

The Dark Knight

Sophia: If I was Snow White, I would hit the wicked stepmother and take her to jail.
Me: But it's not good to hit people, honey.
Sophia: Why?
Me: Because you could hurt them and that's not nice.
Sophia: If I was a bad guy, I would kill the wicked stepmother!
Me: But you're not a bad guy; you're a nice girl.
Sophia: But in my dreams I can be a bad guy....
(Oh boy, we've got a vigilante in the making....)

Hangry

Me: Let's get something to eat.
Sophia: Because I'm cranky.
Me: Yes.

Tiger Mom!

At bedtime tonight:
Laura: Tigey says he's tired and wants you to get into bed.
Sophia: Tigey is very special to me. I don't want you to say that because he's not tired! I mean she because she's a girl!...
(Moral: Never put words into a Tigey's mouth when its mama is around!)

The Snowman

Laura's Post:

Sophia was entranced by The Snowman. It was a beautiful scene. 

Then we got to the "Walking in the Air" part of the movie, and she suddenly remembered the ending: 

"Waaaaaaaaaah! I don't like this movie. I don't want him to meeeeelt!" 

Pure trauma, panic, and meltdown!

So much for making sweet sentimental movie memories...

My Unworkable Wake Up

Early Saturday morning:

Sophia: Daddy! Daddy!

Me: (silence)

Sophia: Daddy?

Me: (silence)

Sophia: This is unworkable...unworkable.

Me: (silence)

Sophia: Daddy, it's time to wake up!

Me: (silence)

Sophia: Are you up?

Me: Yes....

(When I say yes, I mean no, but three year olds don't believe in Saturday mornings in bed....)

Not Quite Mama

While in the shower this morning, I hear the bathroom door open:

Sophia: Mama! Mama! 
Me: Hi.
Sophia: Oh, not quite Mama.

(Yes, my name is Daddy, a.k.a. "Not quite Mama," but that's ok because no one is ever quite like Mama : )

Picking Baby Names

Me: Do you have any baby names for a boy or a girl?
Sophia: Yes, Fluffy.
Me: Fluffy?!
Laura: Is that for a girl?
Sophia: Yes.
Laura: What about for a boy?
Sophia: Softy.
Me: You know we're having a baby, not a puppy, right?

Postscript, 12/05/14:

Baby Rozeboom (now christened "Hannah" by Sophia instead of "Fluffy") is moving into the second trimester with two arms, two legs, a head, and Santa boots. Still hoping for fingers and toes.

2/1/2015: Sophia's Top Names for the Baby (so far):

1. Elsa (a la Frozen)
2. Madeline (as in the children's book series)
3. Cinderella (because why not)
4. Rainbow (we don't watch My Little Pony, so we're guessing her preschool friends suggested it)
5. Dora (the Explorer)
6. "Fluffy" and "Softy" have fallen behind in the rankings somehow.

I want to avoid Sophia becoming too emotionally invested in any name, so I explain to her that we as parents get to name the baby.

Sophia explains in response, "No, I will name it."

I say that we are open to her suggestions, but we'll make the final choice, and some day she can name her own babies anything she wants to.

She disrespectfully disagrees...

6/24/15

Sophia's sister Thalia Faith was born today at 7:29 a.m., 8 lbs, 3 oz., and is healthy, hungry, and feisty! : ) (Sophia is disappointed that her other chosen names, Rainbow Cloud and Princess Sparkles, didn't make the cut. We promised her that she can call her sister any nice name she wants, but just remember that her sister will someday be choosing names to call her, too ; )

Potty Mouth

Sophia: I'm going poop on the potty.

Me: Yes, you are.

Sophia: I can say poop because I'm in the bathroom.

Me: Yes.

Sophia: It's not polite to say poop and pee when you're not in the bathroom.

Me: Yes, it's best to not say that in public.

Sophia: Poop, poop, pee, pee, poop, pee, poooop, poopy, poop, pee...

Me: Okay, honey, are you ready to go back to bed?

Sophia: Yes. (She takes a couple steps towards the bathroom door, then stops suddenly.) Wait just a minute: Poop, poop, pee. Ok, now I'm ready....

(Let's hope that's out of her system.)

Ocho Bar

Sophia discovers my unopened chocolate bar on my book stand:

Sophia: Can I eat this?
Me: Sorry, honey, but it's time for bed right now. I'll share it with you tomorrow. Ok?
Sophia: Ok, I'm going to bed now, but don't eat it because I want to share it with you.
Me: Ok.
Sophia: Don't eat it.
Me: Ok, I won't eat it all.
Sophia: Don't eat it all. I want to have some tomorrow, ok?
Me: Ok, honey. Good night...
Sophia: Don't eat it.
Me: I'll save you a bite. I love you. Good night...

(Somehow I get the impression she doesn't trust me alone with chocolate.)

Her first words the next morning:

Sophia: Did you eat all the chocolate?
Me: I saved you a bite, honey. Just for you.

The smile she gave me when she heard that I kept my chocolate promise made me feel like the greatest dad because, to be painfully honest, not eating that last piece of chocolate may have been the hardest decision I've made so far in our father-daughter relationship...

MRS Degree Planning

Laura: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Sophia: Married.
Laura: I hope you marry a nice boy. Will you let Daddy choose him?
Sophia: Yes.
Me: You need to finish college first!
(Why are we talking about this! Stressing me out....)

Hide and Seek

Me: Ready or not, here I come!
Sophia: (from under the dining table) I'm over here!...

(She knows the rules of this game. She just can't stand the suspense of waiting to be found:)

Backseat Driver

Sophia: Why do you always drive the car? You never let me do anything!
Laura: You can drive when you're 16.
Sophia: How many are you?
Laura: 34.
Sophia: Tigey is 34. He can drive, too....

(Sorry, I would need to see Tigey's driver's license before I'd be comfortable with handing over the wheel...)

Voting Day Decree

Sophia: Where are you going?
Me: I'm going to vote.
Sophia: What does vote mean?
Me: Voting is when people pick a leader.
Sophia: Why? We don't need a leader here. There's only three of us in our house: you, me, and Mommy....
(Says our self appointed queen for life....)

Have A Happy Hollow Candy Bucket Day!

Laura's Post:

Is it bad that we have to restock Sophia's candy bucket already?
—feeling guilty.

Hint: It's a Baby!

My wife and daughter get back from their trip to the mall:
Sophia: Guess what I have in my bag!
Me: Give me a hint.
Sophia: It's a baby!
Laura: That's not a hint! Let Daddy guess what's in the bag. Give him a clue like, "It needs a diaper change" or "It likes to cry."
Me: So what's your hint?
Sophia: It's a baby!....

Un-naked

Sophia: Daddy, I'm un-naked. That means I have clothes on.
Me: Do you mean clothed?
Sophia: Clothed? No, un-naked....

Tiger Hungry!

Me: Are you hungry for breakfast?
Sophia: Yes, I want to eat breakfast. I'm going to change into a tiger now so I can eat all the food in the kitchen!

In the Doghouse

Six o'clock in the morning:

Sophia: Daddy! Why are you sleeping on the couch?!
Me: (groggily) Ugh...um...morning, honey.
Sophia: Why are you sleeping on the couch?!
Me: I was working late, and I took a nap and didn't wake up to go to bed.
Sophia: (climbing up on me) But dogs sleep on the couch! You're not a dog!....

(Then why do I feel like barking at you right now? ; )

Little Miss Hyde

Laura: Mr. Dan made a deal with you that you would be happy when you arrived at school.
Sophia: (looking at Mama with an icy cold stare) I changed my mind!

Clucking Vegetables

Laura's Post:

Me: Sophia, you need to eat a vegetable.
Sophia: I am.
Me: I only see chicken on your plate.
Sophia: (indignantly) Chicken IS a vegetable!

(Oh, boy...)

Fallen Beauty

We went for a family walk this beautiful autumn day on the nature trails behind Grand Traverse Commons. In every direction, a forest of fall colors: yellows, oranges, reds, browns, and greens by the millions! Quite literally the millions when you consider that just one maple tree consists of about 500,000 leaves. (No wonder I hate raking!)

Sophia suddenly shouted out, "Hey, I see a leaf!" Laura laughed and I smirked.

She anxiously asked me to set her down so she could walk quickly through the foliage a few feet and pick up an average looking leaf, study it closely, then show us her treasure as if she had just won first place at the Olympics.

Of course, we let her believe that her leaf was somehow special.

Throughout the rest of our hike, I kept an eye out for my own chosen specimen and occasionally shouted out, "Hey, I found a leaf!" to evoke giggles from my wife and daughter.

Really though, if a three year old can find beauty and laughter in a fallen leaf, well, so can I....

Daddy Actor for Hire

While helping my daughter put on her dress for a doll party:
Sophia: Daddy, will you pretend to be my father at my party?
Me: Yes, I'll pretend to be your father. But, you know, I don't have to pretend because I'm already your father.
Sophia: No, just pretend to be my father.
Me: Ok, what kind of father do you want me to be? A papa bear like this? HELLO!
Sophia: No, you can just be my daddy....
(Yes, but what's my motivation as a method actor in this role?!...)

The Talkies

Sophia: Daddy, can I watch a movie?
Me: No, not now, honey.
Sophia: But why!
Me: I want it nice and quiet.
Sophia: But I want it nice and talky!....

The Human Race

Talking about her new daycare friends:
Sophia: Their skin is brown because they spend too much time in the sun.
Laura: It's not because they're out in the sun. They're born that way with a different skin color.
Sophia: No, they spend too much time in the sun.
Laura: No, they're born that way, like Daddy has a different color than Mama, and Ezra and Bereket have a different color.
Sophia: Why?
Laura: God makes them that way.
Sophia: Why.
Laura: I don't know. God likes everyone to be different....

Don't Know Much About Poopology

Sophia: I'm going poo poo on the toilet all by myself.
Me: Yes, you are going poo poo by yourself. Did you know that poo poo is also called feces?
Sophia: Hahaha! Feces? Why, feces? I never heard that word before!
Me: Yes, some people call it that. Do you know what Spanish people call poo poo? Caca.
Sophia: Hahaha! Caca! Hahaha! No, they don't!
Me: Yes, they do! Caca!
Sophia: Caca! Hahaha....
(Yes, I know, I know. I'll soon regret this conversation...)

Missing Mama

Laura left early this morning for a conference in Grand Rapids:
Sophia: (tearfully) I miss Mama.
Me: I miss Mama, too.
Sophia: I miss Mama three.
Me: I miss Mama four.
Sophia: (smiling) I miss Mama five...

(We missed Mama together back and forth up to eleven : )

Tigey's Daddy

Sophia: Tigey loves his mommy and daddy very much!
Me: That's very nice.
Sophia: Tigey's daddy is like you.
Me: Really?
Sophia: Yes, but he has a beard.
Me: Hmm, maybe I'll grow a beard, too, so I can be more like Tigey's daddy ; )

Playing the Numbers

Sophia: I have to go number one.
Me: Do you know what that means?
Sophia: Yes, it's a number.
Me: "I have to go number one" means you have to go pee pee.
Sophia: (incredulously) Nooo!
Me: Yes, and "I have to go number two" means you have to go poo poo.
Sophia: Nooo! It doesn't mean that!
Me: Yes, it does.
Sophia: What does "I have to go number five" mean?
Me: It's just a number.
Sophia: (emphatically) No, what does number five mean?
Me: Uh, it means you have five fingers on your hand.
Sophia: What does "I have to go number pee pee" mean?
Me: That doesn't mean anything.
Sophia: I know. I'm just playing.

Jennie-O Turkey Breakfast Sausage Links

Sophia: Mmmm!
Me: She sure likes the sausages.
Laura: Yeah, but they're not good for you. They're full of chemicals and preservatives and salt and sugar.
Sophia: Mmmm.
Me: Mmmm.

Diet of Worms

Sophia: (talking with her mouth full) I'm eating worms.
Me: You're eating worms?
Sophia: Yes, I'm eating worms.
Me: Didn't I give you eggs and ham to eat?
Sophia: I'm just pretending I'm eating worms because I'm funny.

(Grossing out your daddy isn't funny : p)

A Crappy Family

Sophia analyzing the toilet after potty time:
"That's baby poop, mama poop, and daddy poop!"

Laura's Home Cookin'

Laura's Post:

I served eggs and toast tonight:

Sophia: Wow! It's like a restaurant in here!
Me: A restaurant? What do you mean?
Sophia: 'Cos there's food!

(We have been snacking on the go a lot recently.)

No Malls!

Laura's Post:

Sophia: The seat belt is hurting me.
Me: Hold on one minute. We are turning into the mall now.
Sophia: (suddenly distressed) NO!! I don't want to change into a mall!...

The "Get Out of Bed" Card

It seems that every night, long past her bedtime, Sophia will come up with a string of excuses to get out of bed, including the following:

"I'm hungry!"
"I need water!"
"I spilled my water!"
"Tuck me in again, please!"
"I need one more hug and kiss!" 
"I'm scared!"
"Where's Tigey?!"
"I need music!" 
"I have to go potty!"...

She may think that I'm a hardened prison warden on lock down duty, but I'm not. However, neither am I a pushover. Whatever the case, this little girl is really good at sidestepping my bedtime contingency plans.

Tonight's mother lode excuse?:

S: Daddy!
Me: Now what, Sophia?
S: I need to wash my hands!
Me: Why?
S: I stuck my finger in my bottom!
Me: What in the world?! Yes! You may wash your hands!
Laura: At least she's not a boy who wouldn't think to wash his hands.
Me: I'm coming! Don't touch anything!...

I'm a Superhero!

After her bath, Sophia bounds into the living room wearing only her yellow hooded ducky towel:
Sophia: I'm going to rescue somebody!
Laura: Are you a superhero?
Sophia: Yes! I'm a superhero!...
Me: Is that your cape?
Sophia: Yes, that's my cape. I'm a superhero!
Me: You're a naked superhero.
Sophia: No, I'm not. I'm wearing a cape! Whoosh!...

A Trick-or-Treat Test Run

Sophia put on her Buzzbee costume today and asked if she could trick-or-treat our condo neighbors:

Me: But it's not Halloween yet.
Sophia: No, I want to pretend trick-or-treat!
Laura: But Grandma Sherrie probably doesn't have trick-or-treat candy for you.
Sophia: No, I want pretend candy!...

(And off they go for a trick-or-treat dry run where she's bound to get real candy for her efforts....Why didn't I ever think of that?...)

Striped Beauty

Laura's Post:

Sophia: (wailing sadly) I don't want to be different!
Me: Different how?
Sophia: I want to have stripes like Tigey!
Me: Why?
Sophia: Because she's BEAUTIFUL!...